San(f*cking)tosa everybody

Sahn-toe-sha | Second Niyama (observance) | Contentment

#sorrynotsorry for the f*bombs Mom.

I’ve never been more inspired to simply think. Today I’ve never felt more grateful, I’ve never felt more content. I’m so humbled by the life I’m living, by the experiences I’ve had up until this moment and for those I’ve yet to witness. I’m overjoyed by the people and eye opening thoughts that are crossing my life and mind. I’ve never been more interested in understanding my own inner dialogue. The thoughts that have held me back from believing in myself for so damn long. What’s below is really personal y’all, it’s super vulnerable. I’m not sharing it with you to impress you, or to have you pat me on the back next time we hang out. I’m sharing this so it can maybe help someone, someday, see what’s possible. This may jump around a bit, so bear with me.

I’m currently separated from a 10.5-year relationship that included a strong 7 years of marriage to a wonderful person. Either you’ve heard, I’ve told you directly, or you lived it with us in some way. I wouldn’t change that time for anything. Marriage is f*cking beautiful. Love has so many dimensions. –>Insert the best and worst stories ever about marriage in your 20’s, beautiful family, epic friends, spoiled rotten pit bulls, moving 9x, career changes, losing loved ones, home ownership, traveling, crying, laughing and loving here. <–

Then, I left.

I got down and dirty into my heart last February and realized I couldn’t settle. And not just for my sake, but for his as well. I had the deepest love for the life we created but kept searching for something that wasn’t there. Adding to the things we owned, trips we took, locations we lived in, etc. I was constantly looking elsewhere for happiness to avoid the truth. Sometimes you have to go into super dark places to actually find it. 

Fast forward to the other night, when I visited those dark places I didn’t know existed. I was lucky enough to be a part of what I can describe as a 40-minute meditation on my previous apartment’s rooftop that included amazing circular sound by a dear friend and a sunset behind NYC that never gets old. A space I went to often while previously here for clarity, a 360 view of the sky, and a view of this majestic city in real time. In those 40 minutes, light bulbs went off. At many points in my life, I believed this could never exist. Being in the city I’ve dreamt about for years, trying to do what I love. I blamed myself for it, thinking I wasn’t good enough to live here, I wasn’t good enough to meet creative people and have real connections, that I could never bring such amazing energy into my life. I’d never make the leap to be here for myself, I’d never be smart enough to live, make it around or make the right choices to be in this city. I’M NOT SMART ENOUGH. Really? How terrible is that? That I created and believed that thought and it kept me from my best self. IT held ME back. I HELD ME BACK. What a f*cking eye opener. It was me all along. I visited that dark alley, unknowingly. I know I’ll visit it again at some point. I actually hope I do because when I arrived, the lights turned on and they were hella bright! 

It was then that I realized my reality. I’m here. I did it. I couldn’t wait to write it all down to remind myself that it’s there, that these feelings of contentment, Santosa, actually exist. And that it takes WORK. Self-work. Self-discovery. It’s not just a blanket word to use and act like things are ok when they aren’t. I had to go deep, I had to live through the fear and shame to then realize that I can support myself in so many more ways than I ever thought were possible. I love myself more than I ever have.

I LOVE Brooklyn.

I’m in LOVE with my neighborhood.

I LOVE the girls I live with.

I LOVE what I see in this city on a daily basis.

I LOVE sharing this practice. 

I LOVE connecting with people. Hearing their stories, and really.truly.just.listening. 

I LOVE vulnerability, connection, and bold reality.

I LOVE what the hard, scary, and heavy transitions have brought into my life. 

I also love that, with this work, a marriage of 7 years is ending with kindness. Matt reached out to me a few days ago. It’s been the first time since this process has unfolded that he’s reached out to me without any intention other than seeing how I was doing. This was huge for me, and I had no idea how much of an affect it would have. I didn’t know it was something I really needed. I am SOincredibly proud of who we both are becoming without one another, who we’ve helped each other become. We are handling this process with grace and with our best intentions at heart. I’m deeply grateful for our friendship, our open communication and our common threads that we can always return to. He’s a rock star and the previous love of my life. That’s worth everything.

Know all of this isn’t coming from a place of bragging, a place of showing off anything, or of rubbing anything in. It’s from a place of showing others what’s possible. If you feel something in your life is off, then it most likely is. Don’t ignore that shit. And it’s not just you that’s affected by it.

I’ll sum this up with a few thoughts I’ve taken away from the past year. Take it, leave it, love it, judge it, I don’t care just know that you are Love and can live the fullest life possible.

·      Closure is power. It’s acceptance in the clearest form. Don’t be afraid to find it.
·      Music is connection. And not just connection with others, but also with yourself. Sound allows us to experience presence in the purest form.
·      Fear is so healthy. It means you are f*cking ALIVE. Every decision I’ve made in this transition I‘ve been terrified of. They have been the best decisions I’ve ever made
·      Road tripping with your best friend is the SHIT and if you have the chance to do it, don’t say no.  
·      You are capable of ALL things. 
·      Loving yourself really is the only way you can truly love others.

Namaste beauties.