What happens when we say Never.


Is there something in your life that you have vowed NEVER to do? NEVER to even consider? When it crosses your mind, you don’t even finish the thought before you see red? For me, I see a big red X. This big red X would show up on the concept of moving back to my hometown. For years, I vowed it would NEVER happen. Nope, nada, nuh HUUUH. Not even an option. I’m not going to say this was my only NEVER, but it definitely lived at the top of the list. I figured after leaving when I was 22, there wouldn’t be a reason to come back other than visiting family and a few close friends. In fact, coming back was nice. And admittedly not in that warm “going home,” kind of feeling. But more in an “I’m too good for this place,” kind of feeling. It made me feel accomplished if I didn’t live here. Like I was entitled to be an asshole because I “did my time.”

Well, fast forward to 32 and I’ve been back for a full year now. However, honestly I feel like I’ve just arrived. Not physically, but mentally and spiritually. It took me getting slapped in the face with some serious doses of reality and humility to pick up what the universe has been putting down. When teaching yoga, I love to find different ways of describing a certain movement or action. I.E. press your hands into the floor, root your palms into the earth, or glue your entire palm, knuckles and fingertips into the cushion of your mat. What I’m saying is, everyone hears things differently. And as a teacher, it’s amazing to see the light bulb go off in a student. And that’s exactly what happened to me within the last few weeks of living in Christiansburg, Va, the little mountain town south of Roanoke.

While I’ve been here for the past year, I’ve been kicking and screaming. Though the reason why I’m here is 100% my truth, there have been a lot of personal challenges. Many of my tribe have been supportive, some worried while listening to my struggles. Some have attempted to remind me of who I am and what I can conquer. I’ve heard it all. Then, not only did I HEAR it, but I FELT it. It came from multiple sources, each randomly put into my path and some were complete strangers. Day after day after day. I had been feeling like the universe was against me, she wasn’t listening and was ignoring my questions. Then, I realized she had been asking me to simply LISTEN all along.

Stop kicking and screaming.
HEAR me.

Through strangers and acquaintances, this is what she said.
-Do you realize you’re not the little girl that lived here years ago?
-I didn’t know you as a younger you, but the You I know now is powerful and has a gift.
-Had you ever thought you were brought back here to be the leader? It was a launching pad for your life, maybe it’s full circle and now a launching pad for your next chapter.

-Have you met your analytical side yet? She questions everything. <----This, my friends, was where humility and possibility met face to face. Nicky Aymes, local Reiki healer (Find here here!) lead a Chakra based meditation class at In Balance Yoga a few weeks ago. She mentioned your Analytical side, and your Spiritual side. Your spiritual side is constantly trying to guide you towards your true path. It helps you see and choose what serves your heart best to live the most freeing and fulfilled life you were meant to live. Your analytical side is what questions those spiritual thoughts and what we often identify with. “Are you sure that makes you happy? That might be hard and uncomfortable to make happen. You should probably just stay put.” So, for me, my analytical side reminded me that I hated this town. Every time I felt joy or strength (my spiritual side talking) she would say, “Hey wait, no, you don’t like this place remember? You’re the girl that left, it’s not good enough for you. You can’t be successful here so why try?” A couple of years ago, my spiritual side took charge. I made intense changes while my analytical side tried to step in. I didn’t let her. I’m now pretty familiar with my spiritual side and when she’s stepping up. She’s continued to do so in SO many ways in the past two years. But now, I’m more familiar with my analytical side. Since this class I’ve caught her so many times stepping in. And don’t get me wrong; if we didn’t have this side, we’d float away. She’s 100% necessary but if we let her be the leader, we might miss out on some epic shit!

Next time you say Never, take a moment and see which side is making that statement. I’m not saying Never isn’t always necessary but from my recent experience, I’m understanding how binding it can be. When I was kicking and screaming about being here, it was a virus that was alive and showing up in everything. My evolving relationship, the work that I love, and my own worth. I couldn’t continue to live that way. I simply won’t.